I was dubious
I even scoffed
Spice Islands
Even those bastards at Whole Foods
Plundering my heritage
Everything seasoning
It’s the new pumpkin spice

Not even five whole ounces
Gobsmacked in the spice aisle
I could plotz
I had these ingredients
Haunting a dusty rack
In the no man’s land
Behind the toaster

Why not save a buck?
Mix my own
Heavy on the garlic flakes
Feared by milquetoast marketers
Why not buy a bagel?
Like my father
Like my mother
The perfect expression
Of everything

But there it was
Accusingly silent
What weakness of will
Or sinister counterintelligence
Brought me to this Corian crossroads?

Like a Gray probing a farmer
I inspected the interloper
Breaking its shrink wrap
And tearing the pull seal
Accursed pull seal
No doubt superglued
By anarchocapitalists
Infiltrating factories nationwide

Replacing the strainer
Holey arbiter
On the diameter
Of tiny circles
Everything depended

Without bagel
I turned to sourdough
Tawdry vice of Frisco
Pandemic rite of passage
Shamefully store bought
I toasted
Everything waited for the ding

Grass-fed butter
Softening for 8 slow seconds
In the microwave
Was there no end to my hypocrisy?
Everything was silent
As the toaster glowed

The shrill bell of judgment
Sourdough slathered with Irish fairytales
Everything rested in my hands
I sprinkled
And there was everything
All at once
I was happy

By Doodleslice 2023-06-28

#poem #humor #bagel #silly #popculture